Three Ways to Deal with Pressure During High-Stakes Negotiations

Originally published by Forbes Business Council.

In 1981, Queen and David Bowie came together to produce one of the greatest hits of all time, "Under Pressure." When it comes to negotiations, we may not always feel "pressure that brings a building down," (and it may rarely be love that relieves it).

But we’re almost always under pressure during negotiations, and often when we’re under pressure, we make mistakes. Our reactions tend to be to fight, flight, or freeze. And none of those lead to good outcomes.

In the course of decades of advising clients in high-stakes negotiations, I’ve identified three of the most helpful ways to deal with pressure — not just to endure, but to get the outcome you desire.

1. Get Curious

There is no better antidote for negotiation stress than to wonder "why?” The pressure you feel to respond forcefully, give in, or decide to walk away can be set aside if instead you ask (first yourself, then your counterpart) what’s really going on. Are their actions just a tactic? Are they reacting to something they think you said or did? Do they think this is really the best way to accomplish something?

When we’re under pressure, we make snap judgments and leap to conclusions based on incomplete data — and lots of assumptions. Instead, try to imagine some different interpretations of their actions. Then ask questions, do research, and find other ways to test those plausible interpretations.

It’s not easy to get curious when you are scared or angry. The questions you ask may come off as accusations rather than genuine inquiries. But the more you force yourself to really wonder why, the easier it will be to show that you are actually trying to understand, not just debate, deny, or attack. Genuine curiosity is the shortest path from threats to problem solving, and it often allows you to start building trust.

2. Explore What Matters to Them

You’re probably familiar with the advice to negotiate about the underlying interests of the parties rather than trying to compromise about their bargaining positions or demands. That's great advice for any negotiation, but it’s especially important when you’re under pressure.

Pressure in a negotiation often comes from having a poor BATNA ("Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement"), because it means you really need this deal; and if your counterpart recognizes this, they may try to take advantage. Whether you’re a sales rep negotiating with your best customer at the end of the quarter or a collector negotiating to buy a unique item, walking away may feel impossible. If you can't do much to improve your BATNA (or worsen theirs), you have to make the best of a tough situation.

And I've found that discovering the other party’s interests is the key to negotiating solutions. Once you understand them, you can get creative: Are there trades you can make? Can you pay what they are asking for, using other kinds of currencies? (Remember the old joke about the farmer who was proud of having bought a $2 million goat? When asked why he was proud, he explained he'd paid for it with two $1 million chickens.) What are some things they value differently than you do? Does timing matter? What about risks and uncertainties?

Interests are also key to understanding your counterpart's BATNA. Whatever else happens in a negotiation, you need to come up with a solution that meets their interests better than their BATNA. If you don't, expect them to walk away and leave you stuck with the alternative you didn't like. But, if you understand what they like about their BATNA, then you can focus on a solution that does a better job at meeting their interests. Can you reduce their risk? Make it happen faster? Make its effect larger, or smaller, or better somehow?

And don't assume you know what their interests are. My favorite response when a negotiator makes a demand is, "Can you say more about that?"

3. Lean Into How They Think About Fairness

Everyone believes their actions are justified. But to be persuasive in a negotiation, you need to figure out what standards the other party is using — how will they explain an agreement to their stakeholders? What do they think an objective third party would say?

There are venues where we can debate fairness. There are arguments we can marshal about why our interpretation is more valid. But we are never more persuasive than when we frame a solution through a lens the other party accepts as legitimate and fair — and that they can imagine themselves explaining to others.

When we combine the first piece of advice — get curious — with this last one, good things happen. When you need to persuade, don't lecture your counterpart on the precedents meaningful to you or the reasons why you are right. Double down on getting into their shoes; find out who will criticize them for doing a deal, and help them respond to it in their own terms. Make the defense of the deal a shared problem. Why? Because if they can't do it on their own, they won't do the deal, and… you know what that means.

We all experience negotiations where our alternative to a deal is some version of terrible. While our lizard brains may lead us to get scared or reactive or simply to give up, we can do better. Love may have been the answer for Messrs. Mercury and Bowie, but in challenging difficult negotiations, I find that curiosity is what brings relief.